Found your post through the Sunday Soother Slack and feel this in my bones. I knew when I was about 8 years old that I never wanted children now. I’m 40 now and don’t regret it for a moment!
My parents always respected my decision (or at least never pushed the issue), likely because I had two older brothers who both decided to procreate.
One of my brothers repeatedly told me “You’ll change your mind.” I can’t help but wonder how different the response would be if us child free by choice people said the same to people who were expecting or raving about their sticky, whining little mini-creations. We’d be thrown out of the house and unwelcome at gatherings.
And yet, they somehow feel empowered saying wholly unnecessary and uninvited commentary on our choices. I often suspect this incredulousness stems from their realization that having children never had to be a foregone conclusion to their life’s path. They just never took the time to consider any other option. How sad.
Wow Melissa thank you for sharing! It's good to know that you've maintained your conviction for so long. And the "you'll change your mind" one really gets me. It feels condescending! Good for you for sticking to it and feeling content with your choices.
There’s a folder on my phone that’s filled with screenshots of content created by women who are child-free by choice. Being child-free by choice is a very lonely journey, but not for the reason that people with children think it is.
I wonder when the mere lack of desire to want children became my stance against having children. Perhaps it had to, the moment I decided to participate in the inherently misogynistic institution that is a heteronormative marriage, and the audience to that union began to view me as nothing but a means to an end, a replaceable, dispensable, childbearing instrument.
Like you, I have never once felt like I have wanted children of my own. I allow myself to change my mind, but I am now 34, and not for a moment have I felt differently. The inequity in the division of childcare labour is reason enough for me to not want children, but why do I feel the need to cite my reasons? I’m phrasing this as politically correctly as I can, but I don’t like children. I’m glad that I can live in a space that’s free from the raucous, sharp cries of children. And what kind of woman does that make me?
I have long been documenting my experience about the choice to remain child-free. The comments section reassures that there are so many child-free women (and couples) who could empower each other with their stories. And I am so glad that you have written about this most intrepidly and compassionately.
Richa, I love that you say you simply don't like children! Such a potentially taboo thing to say in today's world but it's so legit! I think it makes you a confident, convicted woman who is clear on what she wants and isn't afraid to say it. That's something I aspire to be as well.
I so appreciate this piece. I’ve been in that exact position where someone who you like/respect asks that unfortunate question. I immediately feel reduced...like all my personal and professional successes go unnoticed because I’ve failed to procreate. Thank you for the reminder that I’m not alone ❤️
Yes! Totally, I definitely pick up on that in people's responses too, like you lose legitimacy as an adult woman or something. Thank you for reading I'm so glad it resonates!
Great post. Glad to have discovered and subscribed to a talented and interesting writer courtesy of M.E. Rothwell.
I'm a father of three children in their thirties, the oldest my daughter who has one child. While i can't imagine my life without my children, I respect that people who choose not to have children can feel the same way. I think it's rude to question someone's choice or make them feel uncomfortable. Although, as you wrote, perhaps your dad gets a special dispensation to probe just a bit.
Thanks for this perspective, David. I totally agree - it's overwhelming to feel questioned or pressured on my decisions, but of course it's simultaneously great to hear my dad loved his parenting experience! I am very lucky that he did and have benefitted greatly from it.
I am also one of three girls at similar ages - it's a fun family dynamic :)
All power to you! I have teenage twins and thank god for my many child-free friends with whom I've been able to be a person, not just a mother, and who've stood in as extra mothers and fathers to my children as they've grown. This village is made up of many vital parts. Also, my friend Jody Day founded Gateway Women as a resource for those who by choice or circumstance are child free. Here's the link https://gateway-women.com - she's a font of wisdom and support in the face of others' intrusiveness. Rock on sister.
Eleanor, thank you so much for this. I absolutely love your point about child-free friends being a nice outlet for parents to just be themselves. This is certainly how I hope to be for all of my friends, while still of course remaining interested in the parenting aspects of their lives and being there for their kids. I will keep this thought with me.
And I'll definitely check out Gateway Women as well! Thank you again for sharing.
Thanks for writing this! I always forget how common it is for women to hear remarks like this (although I have been told that before). When I talk to my NYC friends I always feel like the odd one out for having kids, and it feels like even the friends who do want kids are missing facts about timelines and treatments because it's such a rare thing to want in their circles. Just an example of how different people's bubbles can be and a good reminder never to assume anything about what someone needs to hear.
(Also, I can very much imagine how your friend's conversation with her boss went. 🙃)
This is so true, I do feel like my decision is more accepted (though still not fully) in NYC where it's more common to opt out of that sort of traditional family, but if I go home or visit somewhere else I'm much more of an outlier. The bubble effect is real!
This might be my favorite one too! You’re such a beautiful person and Something’s Up is a gift to your readers. I’ll bet this piece will resonate with many others who have quietly navigated their complex feelings about parenthood. Thank you for your bravery and space to connect on important topics!
Thank you for sharing so openly & vulnerably in this post. I connect to so much of what you shared. I’ve gotten comments from the most random people & it’s often followed by “oh, is that too personal?” 🙄Though I’m confident and content in my choice to not have children, the hardest part for me is that I know it makes my parents very sad. I know that’s not a reason to have a child, but as a people pleaser - and especially a parent pleaser, who’s always tried to do the “right” thing, that part is still really hard for me. Anyway, this post makes me feel less alone. Thank you 💚
Thank you so much for sharing, I'm so glad it resonates and I feel similarly. It's hard to disappoint others especially your parents but I just remind myself that they wouldn't be the ones raising my baby! People feel strongly about this topic so thank you for creating a safe space for me to share <3
My childless (by choice) journey was a little different. Due to early family circumstances, I had to assume much of the care of my two younger brothers. I knew my mother had lost two husbands, each right after giving birth to a son. These experiences together left me feeling like I wasn't entirely sure I even wanted to get married. So I endured questions about when I'd take that step, rather than questions about children. I waited until I was 42 and found a man who, also, wanted nothing to do with babies or the children they grow into. Most of my friends are also childless, probably because they were the friends I could make plans with, plans that didn't include young children. I have no regrets. And to casual questions now, such as "Do you have children?" I respond, "Nope. One cat. That's enough."
Thank you so much for sharing, Robin. It sounds like you still had a really important parenting experience for which I'm sure your family is grateful. And I love that you have a great childless friend network! I personally am still working on building mine.
And yes to the cats - for us it's dogs. I'd like to have 2-3 one day when we have more space and I fully agree - that will be enough :)
I've been trying to figure this one out myself of late primarily because, as the youngest in my family, I assumed I'd be the one to have kids since it seemed no one else was going to. I've only started recently questioning that assumption and realize now that, after years being stuck in a caretaker role in multiple relationships, I might be done. Or maybe I'll suddenly want kids after all, but right now, that desire feels as unknown to me as the sense of faith my religious friends have that I always seemed to lack. Thanks for this.
Thanks for sharing, Sarah. It's certainly a complicated decision to make with lots of outside pressures ("since no other siblings were going to" - what a burden for you to carry!). I'm sure you'll end up doing whatever feels right to you, and either option is great depending on one's personal preferences. It's just so nice to become aware of the assumptions and realize that you have a choice!
You will probably gather in the comments section here all of the women who decided not to have kids, and who are finding a nice community. 😉
In my experience, the worst was that I was *convinced* I wanted kids for the longest time, but I was so unconscious how deeply society and family pressure were instilled in my choices and wishes. I couldn't have kids and that tragedy, at the time, turned out to be a positive outcome once I woke up from the unconsciousness and chose to live life on my own terms.
Wow! I can completely see how the pressures were so unconscious that you thought other's preferences were your own. I'm sure you're not alone in that at all. I'm sorry for your struggles however as I know that can be extremely difficult but I'm so glad you ultimately got in touch with your own desires and it sounds like it worked out for the best.
And you are right, there is a great community of women without children, and I'm grateful to be expanding that group right here :)
Thank you for your kind words. My struggles became the foundation for a more authentic life in which I don't anxiously ask myself: am I on the right path? anymore. Because every day, I feel I am.
Bravo Avery! So well written, well thought-out and clearly resonates for so many women. I have many childless by choice friends. Not one regrets her decision. Their lives are full, joyful, meaningful. As yours is. Keep this going!
Found your post through the Sunday Soother Slack and feel this in my bones. I knew when I was about 8 years old that I never wanted children now. I’m 40 now and don’t regret it for a moment!
My parents always respected my decision (or at least never pushed the issue), likely because I had two older brothers who both decided to procreate.
One of my brothers repeatedly told me “You’ll change your mind.” I can’t help but wonder how different the response would be if us child free by choice people said the same to people who were expecting or raving about their sticky, whining little mini-creations. We’d be thrown out of the house and unwelcome at gatherings.
And yet, they somehow feel empowered saying wholly unnecessary and uninvited commentary on our choices. I often suspect this incredulousness stems from their realization that having children never had to be a foregone conclusion to their life’s path. They just never took the time to consider any other option. How sad.
Wow Melissa thank you for sharing! It's good to know that you've maintained your conviction for so long. And the "you'll change your mind" one really gets me. It feels condescending! Good for you for sticking to it and feeling content with your choices.
There’s a folder on my phone that’s filled with screenshots of content created by women who are child-free by choice. Being child-free by choice is a very lonely journey, but not for the reason that people with children think it is.
I wonder when the mere lack of desire to want children became my stance against having children. Perhaps it had to, the moment I decided to participate in the inherently misogynistic institution that is a heteronormative marriage, and the audience to that union began to view me as nothing but a means to an end, a replaceable, dispensable, childbearing instrument.
Like you, I have never once felt like I have wanted children of my own. I allow myself to change my mind, but I am now 34, and not for a moment have I felt differently. The inequity in the division of childcare labour is reason enough for me to not want children, but why do I feel the need to cite my reasons? I’m phrasing this as politically correctly as I can, but I don’t like children. I’m glad that I can live in a space that’s free from the raucous, sharp cries of children. And what kind of woman does that make me?
I have long been documenting my experience about the choice to remain child-free. The comments section reassures that there are so many child-free women (and couples) who could empower each other with their stories. And I am so glad that you have written about this most intrepidly and compassionately.
Richa, I love that you say you simply don't like children! Such a potentially taboo thing to say in today's world but it's so legit! I think it makes you a confident, convicted woman who is clear on what she wants and isn't afraid to say it. That's something I aspire to be as well.
I so appreciate this piece. I’ve been in that exact position where someone who you like/respect asks that unfortunate question. I immediately feel reduced...like all my personal and professional successes go unnoticed because I’ve failed to procreate. Thank you for the reminder that I’m not alone ❤️
Yes! Totally, I definitely pick up on that in people's responses too, like you lose legitimacy as an adult woman or something. Thank you for reading I'm so glad it resonates!
Great post. Glad to have discovered and subscribed to a talented and interesting writer courtesy of M.E. Rothwell.
I'm a father of three children in their thirties, the oldest my daughter who has one child. While i can't imagine my life without my children, I respect that people who choose not to have children can feel the same way. I think it's rude to question someone's choice or make them feel uncomfortable. Although, as you wrote, perhaps your dad gets a special dispensation to probe just a bit.
robertsdavidn.substack.com/about
Thanks for this perspective, David. I totally agree - it's overwhelming to feel questioned or pressured on my decisions, but of course it's simultaneously great to hear my dad loved his parenting experience! I am very lucky that he did and have benefitted greatly from it.
I am also one of three girls at similar ages - it's a fun family dynamic :)
All power to you! I have teenage twins and thank god for my many child-free friends with whom I've been able to be a person, not just a mother, and who've stood in as extra mothers and fathers to my children as they've grown. This village is made up of many vital parts. Also, my friend Jody Day founded Gateway Women as a resource for those who by choice or circumstance are child free. Here's the link https://gateway-women.com - she's a font of wisdom and support in the face of others' intrusiveness. Rock on sister.
Eleanor, thank you so much for this. I absolutely love your point about child-free friends being a nice outlet for parents to just be themselves. This is certainly how I hope to be for all of my friends, while still of course remaining interested in the parenting aspects of their lives and being there for their kids. I will keep this thought with me.
And I'll definitely check out Gateway Women as well! Thank you again for sharing.
Thanks for writing this! I always forget how common it is for women to hear remarks like this (although I have been told that before). When I talk to my NYC friends I always feel like the odd one out for having kids, and it feels like even the friends who do want kids are missing facts about timelines and treatments because it's such a rare thing to want in their circles. Just an example of how different people's bubbles can be and a good reminder never to assume anything about what someone needs to hear.
(Also, I can very much imagine how your friend's conversation with her boss went. 🙃)
This is so true, I do feel like my decision is more accepted (though still not fully) in NYC where it's more common to opt out of that sort of traditional family, but if I go home or visit somewhere else I'm much more of an outlier. The bubble effect is real!
And yes, I am sure you can :)
This might be my favorite one too! You’re such a beautiful person and Something’s Up is a gift to your readers. I’ll bet this piece will resonate with many others who have quietly navigated their complex feelings about parenthood. Thank you for your bravery and space to connect on important topics!
Thank you so much love<3
Love it. Thank you for sharing. Imagine that hilarious stock photo as a book cover with the title Selfish C*nt.
Maybe I'll have to write that book one day...
Thank you for sharing so openly & vulnerably in this post. I connect to so much of what you shared. I’ve gotten comments from the most random people & it’s often followed by “oh, is that too personal?” 🙄Though I’m confident and content in my choice to not have children, the hardest part for me is that I know it makes my parents very sad. I know that’s not a reason to have a child, but as a people pleaser - and especially a parent pleaser, who’s always tried to do the “right” thing, that part is still really hard for me. Anyway, this post makes me feel less alone. Thank you 💚
Thank you so much for sharing, I'm so glad it resonates and I feel similarly. It's hard to disappoint others especially your parents but I just remind myself that they wouldn't be the ones raising my baby! People feel strongly about this topic so thank you for creating a safe space for me to share <3
My childless (by choice) journey was a little different. Due to early family circumstances, I had to assume much of the care of my two younger brothers. I knew my mother had lost two husbands, each right after giving birth to a son. These experiences together left me feeling like I wasn't entirely sure I even wanted to get married. So I endured questions about when I'd take that step, rather than questions about children. I waited until I was 42 and found a man who, also, wanted nothing to do with babies or the children they grow into. Most of my friends are also childless, probably because they were the friends I could make plans with, plans that didn't include young children. I have no regrets. And to casual questions now, such as "Do you have children?" I respond, "Nope. One cat. That's enough."
Thank you so much for sharing, Robin. It sounds like you still had a really important parenting experience for which I'm sure your family is grateful. And I love that you have a great childless friend network! I personally am still working on building mine.
And yes to the cats - for us it's dogs. I'd like to have 2-3 one day when we have more space and I fully agree - that will be enough :)
I'm so grateful I stumbled upon your publication.
Thank you, Victoria! Likewise - I am very happy to have you here :)
I've been trying to figure this one out myself of late primarily because, as the youngest in my family, I assumed I'd be the one to have kids since it seemed no one else was going to. I've only started recently questioning that assumption and realize now that, after years being stuck in a caretaker role in multiple relationships, I might be done. Or maybe I'll suddenly want kids after all, but right now, that desire feels as unknown to me as the sense of faith my religious friends have that I always seemed to lack. Thanks for this.
Thanks for sharing, Sarah. It's certainly a complicated decision to make with lots of outside pressures ("since no other siblings were going to" - what a burden for you to carry!). I'm sure you'll end up doing whatever feels right to you, and either option is great depending on one's personal preferences. It's just so nice to become aware of the assumptions and realize that you have a choice!
You will probably gather in the comments section here all of the women who decided not to have kids, and who are finding a nice community. 😉
In my experience, the worst was that I was *convinced* I wanted kids for the longest time, but I was so unconscious how deeply society and family pressure were instilled in my choices and wishes. I couldn't have kids and that tragedy, at the time, turned out to be a positive outcome once I woke up from the unconsciousness and chose to live life on my own terms.
Wow! I can completely see how the pressures were so unconscious that you thought other's preferences were your own. I'm sure you're not alone in that at all. I'm sorry for your struggles however as I know that can be extremely difficult but I'm so glad you ultimately got in touch with your own desires and it sounds like it worked out for the best.
And you are right, there is a great community of women without children, and I'm grateful to be expanding that group right here :)
Thank you for your kind words. My struggles became the foundation for a more authentic life in which I don't anxiously ask myself: am I on the right path? anymore. Because every day, I feel I am.
That's so beautiful. An authentic life is the goal!!
Bravo Avery! So well written, well thought-out and clearly resonates for so many women. I have many childless by choice friends. Not one regrets her decision. Their lives are full, joyful, meaningful. As yours is. Keep this going!
Thank you Muffie. It's so nice to hear your real-life examples of friends confident with their decisions for the long-term. I will keep going!
My favorite yet! Thank you for sharing!!
Thanks so much Kate!